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I cannot sleep.

One wonders if this is the product of angst, or a purely physical reaction to late-night dining; likely it is angst.  My mind will not be silent.

It seems that all of my past demons are rising up en masse to dog me tonight.  Visions of past mistakes slip by in a grim tableau that has my mind churning even unto the late hours.

I didn’t come out to my family.  Found that Fate had something else in store for me; a forced outing at the hands of my little brother to my grandmother, and my aunt, and my uncle, and who knows who else.  A new frosty countenance had to be developed on the spot; success was short-lived, but thankfully there was a gift from God in the wings in the form of a trip to Miami that put the whole situation out of mind for a few blessed days.

Now an errant question by a naive boy has sent me into a spiral of thoughts that were best left untouched.  Lying in this bed, replete with history, I cannot escape the touch of time or the relentless push of the guilty mind.  The guilt indeed lies in my mind only, for the past is in the past, and long past it is.  I’ve said what I’ve said and done what I’ve done, and now nothing remains to be done about it.  However, this logical reasoning has little sway over my rebellious subconscious.

My dog of 16 years is going to have to be put down.  Strangely, I am mostly unmoved by this.  Is this maturity or a lack of empathy?  I cannot fathom.

I have the desire to keep drinking, but I know that to keep drinking is only to make the problem worse before I have to wake up and face a day of classes, what passes for responsibility among the college set.  I need to find a job; oh, how that mantra has been repeated but nothing has been done.  I am worthless even in the pursuit of my own personal goals.

Mistakes, missteps and ugly words keep recurring in my head.  Perhaps kept is the correct tense now, though; the whiskey has done its appointed job and has rendered my mind blank.  Maybe if I take my fingers from the keys I will be able to sleep.  One can only hope so.


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